Enter Sir Hugh Evans (with a book and a sword)
and Simple (carrying Sir Hugh’s gown). SIR HUGH
I pray you now, good Master Slender’s servingman
and friend Simple by your name, which
way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls
himself doctor of physic? SIMPLE
Marry, sir, the Petty-ward, the Park-ward, 5
every way; Old Windsor way, and every way but
the town way. SIR HUGH
I most fehemently desire you, you will also
look that way. SIMPLE
I will, sir. 10 He exits. SIR HUGH
Pless my soul, how full of cholers I am, and
trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived
me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his
urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good
opportunities for the ’ork. Pless my soul! 15
Sings.
"To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals.
There will we make our peds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow—" 20
Mercy on me, I have a great dispositions to cry.
Sings.
"Melodious birds sing madrigals—
Whenas I sat in Pabylon—
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow rivers, to whose falls 25
Melodious birds sings madrigals." Enter Simple. SIMPLE Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh. SIR HUGH
He’s welcome.
Sings.
"To shallow rivers, to whose falls—"
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he? 30 SIMPLE
No weapons, sir. There comes my master,
Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from
Frogmore, over the stile, this way. SIR HUGH Pray you, give me my gown—or else keep it
in your arms. 35 Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender. SHALLOW
How now, Master Parson? Good morrow,
good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice,
and a good student from his book, and it is
wonderful. SLENDER, aside
Ah, sweet Anne Page! 40 PAGE
God save you, good Sir Hugh! SIR HUGH
God pless you from His mercy sake, all of
you! SHALLOW
What, the sword and the word? Do you
study them both, Master Parson? 45 PAGE
And youthful still—in your doublet and hose
this raw rheumatic day? SIR HUGH There is reasons and causes for it. PAGE
We are come to you to do a good office, Master
Parson. 50 SIR HUGH
Fery well. What is it? PAGE Yonder is a most reverend gentleman who, belike
having received wrong by some person, is at
most odds with his own gravity and patience that
ever you saw. 55 SHALLOW
I have lived fourscore years and upward. I
never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning
so wide of his own respect. SIR HUGH
What is he? PAGE
I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the 60
renowned French physician. SIR HUGH
Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had
as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge. PAGE
Why? SIR HUGH He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates 65
and Galen—and he is a knave besides, a cowardly
knave as you would desires to be acquainted
withal. PAGE, to Shallow I warrant you, he’s the man should
fight with him. 70 SLENDER, aside
O, sweet Anne Page! SHALLOW
It appears so by his weapons. Keep them
asunder. Here comes Doctor Caius. | Over at Frogmore fields, Sir Hugh has been waiting for Caius to show up. He's carrying a big sword and a Bible. (They go together like peanut butter and jelly.) Simple is there, too, and Sir Hugh sends him off to look for Caius. Sir Hugh whips open his bible and declares "Jeshu pless me" (translation: Jesus, bless me), right before swearing to God that he's going to knock Caius's "urinals about his knave's costard." Then, for some reason he starts singing a popular love song. (Is it just us, or is Sir Hugh just a bit nervous?) Simple comes back with Shallow and Page who proceed to make fun of Sir Hugh for holding a bible and sword at the same time. |
Enter Host, Doctor Caius, and Rugby.
Caius and Sir Hugh offer to fight. PAGE
Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon. SHALLOW
So do you, good Master Doctor. 75 HOST
Disarm them, and let them question. Let them
keep their limbs whole and hack our English.
Page and Shallow disarm Caius and Sir Hugh. DOCTOR CAIUS, to Sir Hugh
I pray you, let-a me speak
a word with your ear. Verefore vill you not
meet-a me? 80 SIR HUGH, aside to Caius
Pray you, use your patience.
Aloud. In good time. DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog,
John ape. SIR HUGH, aside to Caius
Pray you, let us not be 85
laughing-stocks to other men’s humors. I desire
you in friendship, and I will one way or other
make you amends. Aloud. By Jeshu, I will knog
your urinal about your knave’s cogscomb. DOCTOR CAIUS
Diable! Jack Rugby, mine Host de Jarteer, 90
have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not,
at de place I did appoint? SIR HUGH
As I am a Christians soul, now look you, this
is the place appointed. I’ll be judgment by mine
Host of the Garter. 95 HOST
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh,
soul-curer and body-curer! DOCTOR CAIUS Ay, dat is very good, excellent. HOST
Peace, I say! Hear mine Host of the Garter. Am
I politic? Am I subtle? Am I a Machiavel? Shall I 100
lose my doctor? No, he gives me the potions and
the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my
Sir Hugh? No, he gives me the proverbs and the
no-verbs. To Caius. Give me thy hand, terrestrial;
so. To Sir Hugh. Give me thy hand, celestial; 105
so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both. I
have directed you to wrong places. Your hearts are
mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be
the issue. To Page and Shallow. Come, lay their
swords to pawn. To Caius and Sir Hugh. Follow 110
me, lads of peace, follow, follow, follow. Host exits. | The Host appears with John Rugby and Doctor Caius. Now that everyone has arrived, Caius and Sir Hugh draw their swords. But, before anyone can stab anyone else in the guts, the Host tells Shallow and Page to step in and take away their weapons. What? Sorry. This is Windsor, not the mean streets of Verona. No one's dying in this one. The Host says the guys are better off hacking the English language than hacking off each others' limbs. It's pretty clear that Sir Hugh, at least, isn't up for a fight, but he doesn't want to be a laughingstock. The Host helps Caius and Sir Hugh to walk away with dignity by admitting he deceived them by sending them to different places. Still, they both showed up, proving they have mighty hearts. Then he encourages everyone to come have a drink and leave the fighting behind. |
SHALLOW
Afore God, a mad Host. Follow, gentlemen,
follow. SLENDER, aside
O, sweet Anne Page! Shallow, Page, and Slender exit. DOCTOR CAIUS
Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a 115
de sot of us, ha, ha? SIR HUGH This is well! He has made us his vloutingstog.
I desire you that we may be friends, and let
us knog our prains together to be revenge on this
same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the Host of 120
the Garter. DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, with all my heart. He promise
to bring me where is Anne Page. By gar, he deceive
me too. SIR HUGH
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, 125
follow. Sir Hugh, Caius, Simple, and Rugby exit. | Shallow, Page, and Slender follow the Host—after Slender utters another of his, "Oh, sweet Anne Page," laments. The others stay behind for a moment. Sir Hugh and Caius whisper to each other that the Host is just messing with them and trying to make them look foolish. They agree to be friends and vow to get revenge. |