Original Text |
Translated Text |
| Source: Folger Shakespeare Library |
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Enter Mistress Ford and Mistress Page. MISTRESS FORD
What, John! What, Robert! MISTRESS PAGE
Quickly, quickly! Is the buck-basket— MISTRESS FORD
I warrant.—What, Robert, I say! Enter John and Robert with a large buck-basket. MISTRESS PAGE
Come, come, come. MISTRESS FORD
Here, set it down. 5 MISTRESS PAGE
Give your men the charge. We must be
brief. MISTRESS FORD
Marry, as I told you before, John and
Robert, be ready here hard by in the brewhouse,
and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and 10
without any pause or staggering take this basket
on your shoulders. That done, trudge with it in all
haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet
Mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close
by the Thames side. 15 MISTRESS PAGE
You will do it? MISTRESS FORD
I ha’ told them over and over. They lack
no direction.—Be gone, and come when you are
called. John and Robert exit. MISTRESS PAGE
Here comes little Robin. 20 Enter Robin. MISTRESS FORD
How now, my eyas-musket? What news
with you? ROBIN My master, Sir John, is come in at your back
door, Mistress Ford, and requests your company. MISTRESS PAGE
You little Jack-a-Lent, have you been 25
true to us? ROBIN
Ay, I’ll be sworn. My master knows not of your
being here and hath threatened to put me into
everlasting liberty if I tell you of it, for he swears
he’ll turn me away. 30 MISTRESS PAGE
Thou ’rt a good boy. This secrecy of
thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a
new doublet and hose.—I’ll go hide me. MISTRESS FORD
Do so.—Go tell thy master I am alone. Robin exits. Mistress Page, remember you your 35
cue. MISTRESS PAGE
I warrant thee. If I do not act it, hiss
me. She exits. MISTRESS FORD
Go to, then. We’ll use this unwholesome
humidity, this gross-wat’ry pumpion. We’ll 40
teach him to know turtles from jays. | Over at Ford's house, Mistress Ford and Mistress Page get ready to punk Falstaff and Master Ford. Falstaff's going to show up any minute, so they order the servants to set up a "buck-basket" (a.k.a. laundry basket) in the room. Mistress Ford tells the servants to wait for her signal and then carry the buck-basket down to the river and dump its contents in the water. Ooh, this sounds like it's going to be good. Robin shows up and announces that Falstaff has just come in the back door. Mistress Page hides. |
Enter Sir John Falstaff. FALSTAFF
“Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel?”
Why, now let me die, for I have lived long enough.
This is the period of my ambition. O, this blessèd
hour! 45 MISTRESS FORD
O, sweet Sir John! FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, I cannot cog. I cannot prate,
Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish: I would
thy husband were dead. I’ll speak it before the best
lord: I would make thee my lady. 50 MISTRESS FORD
I your lady, Sir John? Alas, I should be
a pitiful lady. FALSTAFF
Let the court of France show me such
another. I see how thine eye would emulate the
diamond. Thou hast the right arched beauty of the 55
brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tire-valiant,
or any tire of Venetian admittance. MISTRESS FORD
A plain kerchief, Sir John. My brows
become nothing else, nor that well neither. FALSTAFF
Thou art a tyrant to say so. Thou wouldst 60
make an absolute courtier, and the firm fixture of
thy foot would give an excellent motion to thy gait
in a semicircled farthingale. I see what thou wert,
if Fortune thy foe were not, Nature thy friend.
Come, thou canst not hide it. 65 MISTRESS FORD
Believe me, there’s no such thing in
me. FALSTAFF
What made me love thee? Let that persuade
thee. There’s something extraordinary in thee.
Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that 70
like a many of these lisping hawthorn buds that
come like women in men’s apparel and smell like
Bucklersbury in simple time. I cannot. But I love
thee, none but thee; and thou deserv’st it. MISTRESS FORD
Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love 75
Mistress Page. FALSTAFF Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by
the Counter gate, which is as hateful to me as the
reek of a lime-kiln. MISTRESS FORD
Well, heaven knows how I love you, 80
and you shall one day find it. FALSTAFF
Keep in that mind. I’ll deserve it. MISTRESS FORD
Nay, I must tell you, so you do, or else
I could not be in that mind. Enter Robin. ROBIN
Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! Here’s Mistress 85
Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking
wildly, and would needs speak with you
presently. | Falstaff swaggers into the room, thinking he's about to get his swerve on. Not wasting any time, he calls Mistress Ford his "heavenly jewel," and says he wishes her husband were dead. Then he tells her she has nice eyes and a great forehead. (We couldn't make this up.) Mistress Page doesn't seem impressed, so Falstaff switches gears and tries a new approach. He tells her he's not one to get all poetic (even though he just tried), and he's not one of those effeminate guys that wear cologne, but he loves her, plain and simple. Mistress Page bats her eyelashes and is all, "I'll bet you say that to all the housewives. In fact, didn't you just tell my best friend that you love her, too?" Just as Falstaff denies wanting anything to do with Mistress Page, Robin runs into the room and says… that Mistress Page is at the door. |
FALSTAFF
She shall not see me. I will ensconce me behind
the arras. 90 MISTRESS FORD
Pray you, do so. She’s a very tattling
woman. Falstaff stands behind the arras. Enter Mistress Page. What’s the matter? How now? MISTRESS PAGE O Mistress Ford, what have you done?
You’re shamed, you’re overthrown, you’re undone 95
forever! MISTRESS FORD What’s the matter, good Mistress Page? MISTRESS PAGE
O well-a-day, Mistress Ford, having an
honest man to your husband, to give him such
cause of suspicion! 100 MISTRESS FORD
What cause of suspicion? MISTRESS PAGE
What cause of suspicion? Out upon you!
How am I mistook in you! MISTRESS FORD
Why, alas, what’s the matter? MISTRESS PAGE
Your husband’s coming hither, woman, 105
with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman
that he says is here now in the house, by
your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence.
You are undone. MISTRESS FORD
’Tis not so, I hope. 110 MISTRESS PAGE
Pray heaven it be not so, that you have
such a man here! But ’tis most certain your husband’s
coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to
search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If
you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it. But if 115
you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be
not amazed! Call all your senses to you; defend
your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life
forever. MISTRESS FORD
What shall I do? There is a gentleman, 120
my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so
much as his peril. I had rather than a thousand
pound he were out of the house. MISTRESS PAGE
For shame! Never stand “you had
rather” and “you had rather.” Your husband’s here 125
at hand. Bethink you of some conveyance. In the
house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived
me! Look, here is a basket. If he be of any
reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and
throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to 130
bucking. Or—it is whiting time—send him by your
two men to Datchet Mead. MISTRESS FORD He’s too big to go in there. What shall I
do? Falstaff comes forward. FALSTAFF
Let me see ’t, let me see ’t! O, let me see ’t! I’ll 135
in, I’ll in. Follow your friend’s counsel. I’ll in. MISTRESS PAGE What, Sir John Falstaff? Aside to
him. Are these your letters, knight? FALSTAFF, aside to Mistress Page
I love thee. Help me
away. Let me creep in here. I’ll never— 140 Falstaff goes into the basket; they cover
him with dirty clothes. MISTRESS PAGE, to Robin
Help to cover your master,
boy.—Call your men, Mistress Ford.—You dissembling
knight! Robin exits. MISTRESS FORD What, John! Robert! John! Enter Robert and John. Go, take up these clothes here quickly. Where’s the 145
cowlstaff? Look how you drumble! Carry them to
the laundress in Datchet Mead. Quickly! Come. | Falstaff is a coward so, naturally, he hides behind an arras (a screen) just as Mistress Page pretend-storms into the room. Mistress Page and Mistress Ford proceed to have a pretend fight about who gets to be with Falstaff. Mistress Page pretend-warns her friend that Master Ford is on his way home and knows all about her torrid affair with the knight. And then Mistress Page for real suggests that Falstaff should hide under a pile of dirty laundry in the "buck-basket" but Mistress Ford says she thinks he's too big. Falstaff doesn't want to get caught by a jealous husband so he jumps out from his hiding spot and crams himself into the stinky laundry basket. (As we know, the Elizabethans didn't exactly have great hygiene standards. They rarely bathed and washed their clothes and bed linens even less. So, let your imaginations work with that.) Mistress Ford calls in her servants (John and Robert) and orders them to carry the buck-basket outside and down to the river. |
Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius,
and Sir Hugh Evans. FORD Pray you, come near. If I suspect without cause,
why then make sport at me. Then let me be your
jest; I deserve it.—How now? Whither bear you 150
this? ROBERT AND JOHN
To the laundress, forsooth. MISTRESS FORD
Why, what have you to do whither they
bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing! FORD Buck? I would I could wash myself of the buck. 155
Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck! I warrant you, buck,
and of the season too, it shall appear. Robert and John exit with the buck-basket. Gentlemen, I have dreamed tonight; I’ll tell you my
dream. Here, here, here be my keys. Ascend my
chambers. Search, seek, find out. I’ll warrant we’ll 160
unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. He locks the door. So, now uncape. PAGE
Good Master Ford, be contented. You wrong
yourself too much. FORD
True, Master Page.—Up, gentlemen. You shall 165
see sport anon. Follow me, gentlemen. He exits. SIR HUGH
This is fery fantastical humors and
jealousies. DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, ’tis no the fashion of France. It is
not jealous in France. 170 PAGE
Nay, follow him, gentlemen. See the issue of his
search. Page, Sir Hugh, and Caius exit. | Master Ford and his pals (Page, Caius, and Evans) burst into the room. Perfect timing! Ford asks the servants where the heck they think they're going with the laundry basket. Mistress Ford speaks up and asks her husband why he cares about "buck-washing." Ford flips out and starts yelling about bucks, as in male deer—the ones with horns. Brain snack: Horns are the universal symbol for cuckolds in Shakespeare's day. Check out symbols for more on that. The servants leave with the "buck-basket" and Ford runs around locking all the doors so Falstaff can't escape. (Whoops. Too late.) Then he orders his friends to help him search the house for his wife's secret lover. Page, Evans, and Caius are a little embarrassed by their lunatic friend, but they follow Ford around the house anyway. |
MISTRESS PAGE
Is there not a double excellency in this? MISTRESS FORD I know not which pleases me better—
that my husband is deceived, or Sir John. 175 MISTRESS PAGE What a taking was he in when your
husband asked who was in the basket! MISTRESS FORD
I am half afraid he will have need of
washing, so throwing him into the water will do
him a benefit. 180 MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all
of the same strain were in the same distress. MISTRESS FORD
I think my husband hath some special
suspicion of Falstaff’s being here, for I never saw
him so gross in his jealousy till now. 185 MISTRESS PAGE
I will lay a plot to try that, and we will
yet have more tricks with Falstaff. His dissolute
disease will scarce obey this medicine. MISTRESS FORD
Shall we send that foolish carrion Mistress
Quickly to him, and excuse his throwing into 190
the water, and give him another hope, to betray
him to another punishment? MISTRESS PAGE We will do it. Let him be sent for tomorrow
eight o’clock to have amends. Enter Ford, Page, Doctor Caius, and Sir Hugh. FORD
I cannot find him. Maybe the knave bragged of 195
that he could not compass. MISTRESS PAGE, aside to Mistress Ford
Heard you
that? MISTRESS FORD
You use me well, Master Ford, do you? FORD Ay, I do so. 200 MISTRESS FORD
Heaven make you better than your
thoughts! FORD
Amen! MISTRESS PAGE You do yourself mighty wrong, Master
Ford. 205 FORD Ay, ay. I must bear it. SIR HUGH
If there be anypody in the house, and in the
chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses,
heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgment! DOCTOR CAIUS
Be gar, nor I too. There is nobodies. 210 PAGE
Fie, fie, Master Ford, are you not ashamed?
What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination?
I would not ha’ your distemper in this kind for the
wealth of Windsor Castle. FORD
’Tis my fault, Master Page. I suffer for it. 215 SIR HUGH
You suffer for a pad conscience. Your wife is
as honest a ’omans as I will desires among five
thousand, and five hundred too. DOCTOR CAIUS
By gar, I see ’tis an honest woman. FORD
Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, 220
walk in the park. I pray you, pardon me. I will
hereafter make known to you why I have done
this.—Come, wife—come, Mistress Page, I pray
you, pardon me. Pray, heartily, pardon me. Mistress Page and Mistress Ford exit. | Mistress Ford and Mistress Page can't decide which is better—tricking Falstaff or watching jealous Master Ford make a fool of himself. Mistress Ford snickers that she thinks Falstaff peed his pants in fear, so it's a good thing he's getting tossed in the river along with all her dirty laundry. The ladies decide to engage Mistress Quickly again and play another trick on Falstaff. Meanwhile, Master Ford is still running around like a cuckoo looking for Falstaff. Ford finally gives up the search and apologizes to his wife and buddies, who are still laughing about it behind his back. Master Ford wants to make things up to his pals. He invites them in for the dinner he promised and begs everyone's forgiveness again. |
PAGE, to Caius and Sir Hugh
Let’s go in, gentlemen. 225
But, trust me, we’ll mock him. To Ford, Caius,
and Sir Hugh. I do invite you tomorrow morning
to my house to breakfast. After, we’ll a-birding together;
I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be
so? 230 FORD Anything. SIR HUGH
If there is one, I shall make two in the
company. DOCTOR CAIUS
If there be one or two, I shall make-a the
turd . 235 FORD Pray you, go, Master Page. Ford and Page exit. SIR HUGH
I pray you now, remembrance tomorrow on
the lousy knave mine Host. DOCTOR CAIUS
Dat is good, by gar, with all my heart. SIR HUGH
A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his 240
mockeries! They exit. | Before going in for dinner, Master Page conspires with Doctor Caius and Sir Hugh, saying they'll mock Ford yet. Then he invites all the fellas over for breakfast and birding in the morning. Then, on their way in to dinner, Sir Hugh and Caius plot against the Host. Let the madcap shenanigans continue. |